Questions answered by John Kolvenbach.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

A quote from WTTW in Chicago, “There is more than a touch of genius on display. It must be equally credited to the conceptual magic of playwright/director John Kolvenbach and to Jim Ortlieb, whose wholly riveting performance is simply phenomenal. A true tour de force turn.”

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

Ours is a communal show, so it’d be one more for everybody.

Q3: The Fringe is horribly expensive. How are you financing this run? Did you remortgage your house, sell your granny, or start an illicit side hustle?

We started this show in LA, moved to Chicago, Paris, then The Huntington Theatre in Boston. So for the Fringe, it’s a re-re-re-re-remortgage on the house.

Q4: All shows will have their tough days. What sophisticated self-care strategies will you employ to survive?

We’ve tried everything tried everything. Yoga. Acupuncture. We bought a dog. We jet skied. Lamapril. Hoxydoxyphil. We floated in salt water in the pitch black dark. We juiced, we cleansed, we volunteered. We tried monogamy. And yet here we are.

Questions answered by Milo Edwards.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

I will probably at some point have to do a front-facing camera video plugging my run and that will be a dark day for all concerned.

Q2: Cancel culture has finally come for your show. What sins has it committed?

Too horny.

Q3: All shows will have their tough days. What sophisticated self-care strategies will you employ to survive?

You’ve got to balance physically healthy things (exercise, vegetables) with psychological crutches that keep you going through the exhaustion (alcohol, cigarettes) – the key is to find the biting point between these two factors. Everything in its place.

Q4: If you brought this show home for the holidays, how would your parents react to them?

My parents would probably say: ‘This show contains far more of our erotic correspondence from the 1980s than we expected, but that surprise is blown out of the water by the fact that we’re having this conversation as we have been dead for several years.’

Questions answered by Alastair Clark.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

Flyering. I can’t imagine anything more desperate than trying to convince people to come and see your show by handing out thousands of pictures of your own face. “I promise it’s good look… Look at my impressive stars and quotes.” Absolutely pathetic. But in fairness, necessary.

Q2: All shows will have their tough days. What sophisticated self-care strategies will you employ to survive?

Drinking Tennent’s lager. At 4% you will get full of liquid before you get too drunk. That’s the secret. Now, you might argue Tennent’s lager isn’t sophisticated at all, but I would argue a drink that regulates it own consumption IS sophistication.

Q3: If you brought this show home for the holidays, how would your parents react to them?

My parents have found out a lot about my past traumas from my previous shows. Must have been quite harrowing to see your child joking about horrors you never knew about. This show’s a light and breezy jaunt compared to that. So to answer the question, relieved.

Q4: If all the shows running right now were at a massive Fringe house party, what is your show doing?

Ensuring that everyone knows that my show knows every single song being played. Dishing out interesting facts about the good ones and verbally trashing the bad songs. Of all the shows at the festival mine has the most correct opinions about music.

Questions answered by Harvey Cobb.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

I’m thinking about changing my name to Micheal McIntyre so I can put it on the tickets.

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

A glass of water. Then it would lecture you on how alcohol is killing your body. Then it would offer you some shrooms

Q3: We all have weird pre-performance rituals. What is yours, and how confused would a normal person be if they walked in on you doing it?

I was going to make one up, but the honest answer is I balance on one leg with a pink wellington boot on my head, whilst practicing my impression of Mrs Trunchbull from Matilda the Musical. I promise if you see the show it will make sense, not confusing at all.

Q4: If all the shows running right now were at a massive Fringe house party, what is your show doing?

My show would be making love to another show in the closet, telling them it’s the most beautiful, sincere show he’s ever seen. That the show has forever changed him, and he wishes to watch it forever. It’s the 4th time he’d done that this evening.

Questions answered by Rich and Matt.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

We will be standing outside other shows handing out flyers dressed as the concept of punctuality. Rich will be a clock. Matt will be a snooze button. Nobody will know what we are. It will not work. We will do it anyway.

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

We are a kids show, so a banana smoothie (for health), a cup of tea (for pep) and a root vegetable shaped like a bum (for lols).

Q3: The Fringe is horribly expensive. How are you financing this run? Did you remortgage your house, sell your granny, or start an illicit side hustle?

Setting up an account on ONLYPOTATOES of fruits and vegetables shaped like bums.

Q4: If you brought this show home for the holidays, how would your parents react to them?

Our Nan was supposed to see the show in New York but instead she went on a zorbing holiday in Hawaii with some guy called Rodney Stewart (?) Apparently he has great hair.

Questions answered by KITTY FALCON.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

Conducting unsolicited silent meditation retreats in Edinburgh beer gardens. The retreat ends when everyone agrees to come to the show and we’re sold out. Back up option: sit silently making intense eye contact with strangers until they either buy a ticket or call security!

Q2: The Fringe is horribly expensive. How are you financing this run? Did you remortgage your house, sell your granny, or start an illicit side hustle?

I recently went viral for a picture of my hairy armpits after ‘sensual armpits’ reshared my post on Instagram, so I’m seriously considering selling pictures of pits. Other than that, begging my friends, family, enemies and strangers to donate to our GoFundMe and pure delusion.

Q3: We all have weird pre-performance rituals. What is yours, and how confused would a normal person be if they walked in on you doing it?

Meditate, Panic, Meditate, Panic, Jump around. Go to Joe and The Juice and buy a £9 Herb Tonic Juice. Freak out if they don’t have it. Wonder why I chose the most expensive drink in town as my pre-show ritual.

Q4: If all the shows running right now were at a massive Fringe house party, what is your show doing?

Sitting (In Silence) is having a spliff and a deep meaningful chat, sprawled out on the couch, at 7am on a roll over.

Questions answered by Julia Stephens.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

I will be dressed as an elaborate “it-girl” every day for an entire month. I deeply envy your sweatshirt and jeans.

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

A glass of veuve cliquot, a vodka redbull, and a pack of cigarettes for chain smoking. In that order.

Q3: We all have weird pre-performance rituals. What is yours, and how confused would a normal person be if they walked in on you doing it?

Nonsensical tongue twisters that would make one think I’m schizophrenic myself.

Q4: If all the shows running right now were at a massive Fringe house party, what is your show doing?

The party was absolute garbage until she walked in.

Questions answered by Emily Steel.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

I will be dressing up two charismatic young men in feathery white angel wings and sending them out onto the Edinburgh streets to charm passersby into spending an hour of their night with us in the Summerhall basement. Does that sound desperate? Or just a bit kinky?

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

A Manhattan, of course!

Q3: Cancel culture has finally come for your show. What sins has it committed?

It’s set in New York in the early 2000s and the jokes about gender, race, terrorism and grandmas are authentic for the time – so basically we’re going straight to hell.

Q4: If your show suddenly developed a massive ego and became the biggest diva in the 2026 Fringe, what absurd, hyper-specific item would be mandatory on its dressing room rider?

It wants someone to go to a small town in Sicily, rescue the entire Kim’s Video archive that is tragically rotting in storage, clean and restore it all and deliver it to us. (Which will make sense if you a) watch the Kim’s Video doco and b) come see the show.)

Questions answered by Gail Thomas.

Q1: Aside from this Quickie, what is the most desperate marketing tactic you plan on using to get bums in seats this August? 280 chars

I’m new to Fringe, so I haven’t ruled anything out. I would 1) hang glide off the top of the castle, throwing out fliers and shouting “Come see Patient 13 at Zoo Playground 2;” put a paper mache cowhead on a stick and poke people with it (show reference) and cry.

Q2: If your show walked into a cocktail bar, what would it order?

Magic mushrooms, with two therapists on the side.

Q3: Cancel culture has finally come for your show. What sins has it committed?

Getting the audience excited about psychedelics, but not providing party favors.

Q4: All shows will have their tough days. What sophisticated self-care strategies will you employ to survive?

Kundalini yoga, a long bike ride. and cry.